CAROL BURNETT: GENIUS

When I think of funny women on film I think of Imogene Coco and her work with Sid Caesar, of Madeline Kahn as Eunice in "What's Up, Doc?", and of Carol Burnett in her best TV sketches from "The Carol Burnett Show" in late 60s and early 70s. That's her in the video above playing Joan Crawford in a parody of "Mildred Pierce."

The problem with Burnett's show was that the sketches were usually too long. There weren't as many commercials on TV in those days, and you had to stretch out ideas to fit the longer time slot. That's okay when the ideas were as good as these, but that wasn't always the case.

Burnett was hilarious when she was working on all cylinders. She had a real talent for playing feisty, low rent characters like Eunice (above) in the family sketches. Those sketches struck a chord with audiences, maybe because so many people actually lived that way.

In the days before divorce became common, domestic quarrels were frequent; maybe once a week. Most arguments took place in front of other people, or within hearing distance of neighbors. For some reason an audience was felt to be an important ingredient.

Couples would argue about who came from the more high class family, the man's drinking, dinner not being ready on time...stuff like that. Nobody ever attempted to answer what the other person actually said, or look for a solution.

If you were accused of drinking too much you would respond by saying your wife kept a dirty house. Arguments like that never end, they just recur and recur, a chance to blow off steam I guess, or a ritual to reconcile the two to the fact that neither of them will probably ever change. Anyway, there was a lot of that going on, and Burnett was really good at making fun of it.

One more quick sketck...it only takes a minute and twenty seconds and in that short time it succeeds in explaining everything that's wrong with modern music.

On a completely different topic, I thought I'd put up a sequence from "The Miracle Worker." I posted about that film a few days ago and was surprised to find that nobody had seen it. I thought it was one of those films like "Citizen Kane" that everybody sees. Well, if you haven't, then here's an eight-minute clip to enlighten you. It's hilarious.

Above, an SCTV parody of the same film. Thanks much to Anonymous for sending me this. But who sent me the "Mildred Fierce" parody at the top of the page? I need to know who to thank!

I CAN'T FIND MY KEYS

EXT. THEORY MANSION:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "(Cry of anguish) Aaaaagh! I can't find my keys! I have to be somewhere and I can't find my keys!"

INT. THEORY MANSION:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Tracy, you're my secretary...do you know where my keys are?"

TRACY: "Sorry Uncle Eddie, I haven't seen them. Have you tried the living room?"

INT. LIVING ROOM:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Florence! Have you seen my keys?"

FLORENCE: "Keys? Hmmm...no keys around here. Maybe they slipped into a crack in one of the sofas."

BAMBINA: "I just looked. Nothing in this sofa."

YVETTE: "Nothing here either, Uncle Eddie! Have you tried the kitchen?"

ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Hi, Weirdina. Have you seen my keys?"

WEIRDINA: "Sorry Uncle Eddie, I can't think about that now! I'm writing a poem. It's about famine and pestilence and man's inhumanity to man!"

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Oh, uh...right. Sorry I interrupted."

INT. KITCHEN:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Penelope...do you know anything about my keys?"

PENELOPE: "Keys? Mmmmm, no. No keys here."

CHARLOTTE: "They're not up here either, Uncle Eddie."

PENELOPE: "I don't see anything down here."

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): 'Monica, have you..."

MONICA: "Nope, sorry. Ask Tracine."

ON THE BALCONY:

TRACINE: "Maybe you left them in the car. (Then, shouting down to the street) MINERVA! SEE IF UNCLE EDDIE'S KEYS ARE IN HIS CAR!"



ON THE STREET:

MINERVA: 'Keys? Okay!"


MINERVA: "Hmmmm, let's see...keys, keys, keys...hello, what's that?"

MINERVA (VO): "...They're here! I FOUND THEM!"

MINERVA (VO): Hi, little boy! Will you take these keys and give them to Uncle Eddie inside the house?

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Oh, thanks, kid! Tell, you what...go downstairs and tell the chef I said he should make you any kind of sandwich you like. Tell him to put lots of paper parasols and little plastic swords in it. Come to think of it, I'll go with you. I'll just get my jacket and...

...hey wait a minute! Where's my jacket!? TRAAAAACYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

THEORY CORNER BOOK REVIEW: "SUNDAGGER.NET"

Hello! This is Chico Cognoscenti, book reviewer for the Theory Corner literary magazine. Today we're going to explore the strange world of the modern woman's novel. The book is "Sundagger.net" by Margaret Murray.

It's a Tony Hillerman-type novel about an Anglo woman who's invited by modern Indians to participate in their sweat lodge ceremonies. It's not my thing, but I'd hoped that reading a little bit of a novel written by a woman exclusively for other women would give me some insight into the sex, and I wasn't disappointed.

Let's read a few paragraphs, shall we?



"Sara hurried, untying her hiking boots, pulling off her sweater, her black Levis, unhooking her black lace bra. the door creaked as one of Vera's seven cats, an all black streak of fur with one white paw, slipped in and meowed. Sara threw her thick, green socks in the duffle along with the clothes and slipped on the caftan....

...She saw herself in the mirror with her caftan ballooning around her ankles. Before she had time to disapprove of her big-boned face, her bright blond dyed hair, long and fuzzy, unraveling from the batik scarf she'd wrapped around her head an hour ago, she spied the gleam of her silver earrings and her turquoise choker. Quickly she took them off as well as her watch and Australian opal ring, a gift from her ex-husband, Paul, the year Dan was born. Sara dropped her jewelry in her cosmetic bag, along with her car keys, picked up her bagfull of clothes and rushed out, nearly slamming into a young woman outside the door...."

"She had a perfectly oval face, smooth peach skin, and almond shaped black eyes. Her thick, shining, black hair was twisted up in a gold and feather hair ornament. She wore a tiny orange halter and skintight blue jeans showing her perfect belly button. Sara couldn't help thinking how Deborah Yu (her co-worker) alternated between wearing similar designer tank tops made of silk with Calvin Klein jeans and logging boots...

So here was another newbie....who invariably wore skimpy bathing suits or tight short-shorts and T-strap tops without bras. This girl's firm, smooth body curved seductively...she looked both excited and fearful, her pert breasts bobbing beneath the orange jersey top."

"[This contrasted with Sara, who had] two large towels, one old and frayed to sit on inside the sweat lodge, another thick one for afterward when she would be streaming with sweat, and a pair of shapeless cotton underpants that she didn't mind getting soaked and dirty from sitting on the ground..."

Gee, women certainly seem to be fond of their underwear. It's hard to imagine a man describing his BVDs that way.

Come to think of it, women are always changing their clothes in this book, in the part I read anyway. I guess they really get a kick out of stuff like that. Of course it helps to have a cute, fluffy animal present, or to change in a room with memorable characteristics , like mildew on the floor or cold stones or peeling paint on the walls. I don't think men really care where they change. For us a toxic waste pit is just as suitable as a palace.

If you can trust the author, women are also obsessed with the details of life, and mementos...they LOVE mementos. One of the things I learned from this book is that if you're a bachelor, and you're going out with a girl, be sure to give her a one-of-a-kind gift that she can use to remember the experience...even if she didn't like you. Girls are strange, alien creatures. They don't know how silly it is to be sentimental like that, so we should take the opportunity to make them happy.

So, what's my review? My review is that I'm a guy. It's not meant for me. I'm glad I read a few pages, though.

BTW: To be fair to the author, I did some editing to highlight the clothing descriptions.

DINNER WITH "THE MIRACLE WORKER"

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION.

SON (VO): "Meanin' no disrespect Father, but Helen's deaf and blind. Maybe you expect too much of her."

THE COLONEL: "Tarnation! What makes you think I expect too much? I let her eat off my plate don't I? I simply said she'd benefit from some table manners!"

THE COLONEL (CONT): "Bless her li'l heart! It's not her fault that she's filthy and disgusting, and possibly evil. She needs some tender, lovin' care."

THE COLONEL (CONT): "That's why I hired The Miracle Worker!"

ON THE MIRACLE WORKER: She's doing some serious chowing down. She pauses to wave when she hears her name, then resumes eating.

FATHER (VO) (CONT): "She's a Yankee gal, but she knows that finger talk."

FATHER (VO) (CONT): "Maybe she can do some good."

SON: "But Father, maybe we don't need The Miracle Worker. Maybe Helen's never going to be better than she is right now."

SON (VO) (CONT): "Look at her. She spontaneously eats the food of others. She's a true child of nature."

SON (VO): "Maybe she's better off not knowin' the rules of man."

SON (VO) (CONT): "I envy her her. She lives in a simple world of gentleness and calm..."

SON (VO) (CONT): "...a gossamar, wispy world where the only emotions felt are those of happiness and love."

SFX: FWAP!!!!!

SFX: WHACK!!!!! She hits Helen with the spoon!

SFX: WHACK!!!!!!!!!

SFX: CRU-U-UNCH!!!! She bites Helen!

SFX: CLOOOONG!!!!!!!!! Helen hits The Miracle Worker with a baseball bat!

THE MIRACLE WORKER: (ROARS)

COLONEL: "MISS MIRACLE WORKER! I INSIST...I say I INSIST that you STOP this instant, before someone gets hurt!! Helen, you come outside with me! Poor child! You must be a bundle of nerves!"

EXT. OUTSIDE ON THE LAWN:

THE COLONEL: "Oh my Gosh! Look at this! She can hear and see! It's a miracle! The Miracle Worker has done it again!

THE END

ITALIAN INSULT GESTURES

A few months ago I wanted to try doing pencil tests on Flash so I thought I'd do a little YouTube film of Italian insult gestures. It never came about. I had so much trouble getting the program to work that I finally walked away from it and did something else. Now I have a trial download of Digicell Flipbook, and the tiny film seems try-able again....except....

...except I just looked over my incomplete notes for the gestures and I can't remember how some of them worked, or what some of them meant.

This drawing (above) for example. What does it mean? It fell out of my notes, and I have no idea what I was thinking when I drew it. It's something I used to see in high school. Sometimes it provoked laughter, once a fight. But why? What does it mean?


And what is this (above)?


I forget what the top finger-pinch (above) means...my guess is that it says, "You mean less than dust to me!"

The bottom drawing (above) is one of the oldest and best insults: you simply turn your back on the other person. They're not worthy of your front.

Once the back is turned (above) the insulter has the option of intensifying the insult with a butt shake...


...maybe followed up with a tooth flick.


Some insult gestures (above) are so strong that to use them is to make an enemy for life. I have no idea what the above gestures mean, but I suspect that a mother's virtue is being questioned here.


All these little finger gestures...what do they mean? They look pretty nasty.



Whatever it is, it can't be good.


This one (above) had me puzzled, but I figured it out while posting it. It's the first of two drawings (the second one must be missing) showing a man about to do a pushing away gesture, as if to say, "Your existence is an offense to me! Go away! Just GO AWAY!"

What makes this special is the extreme anticipation to the push (above). It's not just a simple prelude to a push, it's a statement of obliteration. The pusher is so disgusted by the other person that he chooses suicide if necessary to avoid having to look at such a fool for a moment more.

I wanted to end the film on a cheerful note, maybe with a quick little story demonstrating some of the most common romantic gestures. I haven't found all the doodles yet, but I remember how it started:

A boy is sitting with his friends when a beautiful girl walks by. He does a startle response (above), then pushes his friends aside, maybe upturning the table, and he runs ahead of her and introduces himself. The boy puts on a good show but, since she gets hit on 50 times a day, the girl gives him a bored look and keeps on walking.

The boy runs to catch up. After trying everything, he pulls out his big gun...the thing that never fails...his most irresistibly charming gesture. He symbolically plucks off the girl's cheek, retrieves it and kiss it...kisses every finger of her cheek (!?)...then blows it back to her.


The poor boy! The girl is unaffected. She just walks on. The boy, outraged and broken-hearted, shakes the kiss from his hand, does a "Heck with you!" gesture, and returns to his friends, who are doubled over laughing.

As the speaker says in this video (above), Italy is fast losing it's gestural heritage. What a pity! I read that it used to be most intense in Naples, which was a noisy city where everybody hated everybody. The gestures were a way to argue between balconies when the clatter from the streets made spoken insults unworkable.

This video (above) is completely off topic. I found it when I was searching for gesture videos on youTube. It's only a minute long. See what you think.

FIRST EVER BLACK HOLE CREATED ON EARTH

About a month ago New Scientist magazine ran a story which claimed that Chinese scientists had succeeded in creating a mini-black hole (above), or something which mimics black holes, in the laboratory. That's amazing! I don't remember seeing that in my local paper. Maybe it was buried in the obituary pages.

Evidently the hole they created isn't exactly the same kind we encounter in space (above). This one only absorbs microwaves, though the lab that created it claimed that they'll probably be able to make one that absorbs optical light by the end of the year. This would be a very, very significant event!

It's significant because the black hole absorbs the waves and emits the energy again in the form of heat, and heat powers engines. This means that black hole solar cells could run cars (above), and do it much more efficiently than solar cells can do now. No directional solar collectors would be necessary. The cars would simply absorb the ambient light around them. Maybe this would make them appear as black silhouettes to observers.

I forgot to say that this Chinese black hole was created without benefit of a super colider like the one at CERN (above). This was done on a tabletop device made of printed circuit boards arranged in rings around a cylinder. Two Indiana scientists figured out how such a machine would work in theory and the Chinese surprised everybody by actually building it.

Thanks to Milt Gray for telling me about this.

WIGS, HANDS AND PUPPETS

I thought I'd put up a couple of the wigs and hands (above) that I scored at Halloween time. This rubber giant's hand is a thing of beauty. The photo doesn't do it justice.

Expect a story about a giant soon. I've gotta give this baby a test run!

And here's (above) the new Moe wig! What do you think?

It's (above) really versatile. Tilt it forward a bit and you get the emo look.

No, wait a minute. Emos (above) comb their hair over to one side! Here I'm a bright and happy side-combed emo.

Here (above) I'm a sad, dimwitted one.

Roll the wig back a bit, and you get Spock from Star Trek!

SPOCK: "Klingons on the starboard bow, Captain!"

Roll the wig forward and I'm Bones, the Enterprise's tempramental doctor:

BONES: "I'm a DOCTOR Jim, and I'm not going to have my sickbay turned into an amusement park!"

Spock again (above):

SPOCK: "It's LIFE Jim, but not as we know it!"

Let me turn on the color (above), so you can see what my new Esmeralda puppet looks like in blue.



I know what you're thinking: "Where's her arms?"

Here's one (above)!

And here's another (above). She appears to be shocked at something.

Boy, I love Halloween!